almost 22

Mama roars pushes through the sharpness, puking, gut punching
and then holds her creation

New skin. New fingers toes belly thighs …
new insane love back n forth…
mama knows his needs. Simple & safe.

For a moment noone else exists…

His softness in her arms—the warmest blanket,
a fire lights unspeakable protection
lioness den

She takes him from his crib to her bed, pulls him close…
“are you hungry? Here i am.
Mama will fill your belly”
Watching … milk drunk…
his eyes slowly close…
She rubs the tips of his eyebrows softly twisting curls till he’s draped in dreams

The Stillness of dim light
baby breathing in out [he’s alive]
tiny warm hands on her cheek
she smiles in the darkness

sometimes she misses the heavy belly rolling kicking safety of being inside,
untouchable…
fluid umbilical love…
Unison heartbeats
She used to wonder if her dreams became his
Did he like that bowl of ice cream
Can he smell the salt in the air
See the tide push into her toes
Feel her slightly sink into sand with the undertow

She cuts the cord
His story starts
Visions of possibilities…
Flooding altruism

Then Milestones.
Teeny spoons
spilled spaghetti
Crawl walk run

“Who’s world is this?
The world is yours…” mama says
his emerging spirit
talent
future
She takes on a never-ending silent obsession of actions
Wanting him to see himself
as she sees him

His passions climb and fly like a skater gliding down up in a bowl
Filming tricks
Ice cream swishes
Filling rooms with belly rolls
Birthday cakes & trick candles

Then the world surrounds him
Eyes that cant shake sadness
But wanting mama proud
mama don’t be sad
mama be strong
brother love me
daddy love me
mama save me
He sings
Cries screams…
Sad love

Holding cold metal in his hands he finds bullets & pills
Numb blood
Thick heartbeat
submerged in smoke

It feels good

wrapped in
Heightened tears and slow breath
weakened limbs
A spiderweb of Red scratches on pure skin
Buckets turn to bricks
A cousin flies away
Friends fall in dark, darkness

And then unspeakably
His body takes his pulse
His neck
A heavy, silent gold chain

On the phone
A Deputy quietly
Confirming
Mama throws the phone
screams Labor roars
The windows crack
Flashing lights then blind
she grabs her hair
pulling the skin scalp
people rush in surround her with words
she doesn’t hear voices
Falls on the floor
A heavy pressure like hard wind pushes her down
And the outside disappears
The thickness of memories press into her gut
Firsts of firsts begin
Without him
August birthday 22 … is he here? “Where are you?”
Where did you go?

talk to me
Be our ghost

And then that dream comes
… him standing by the lake alone
Waiting for her
She opens drawers
Pulling papers…
looking looking looking
trying to find traces pieces
A ring, stories
drawings in red sharpie
New words written
A random good morning
Facetime laughing
Faith in time

Mama sleeps with his ashes
“Hes gonna come back,”
little brother says.

I love you
love you more
Love you mostest
Not possible